Expectations
by belle in bookland
Summary: Cammie has had to deal with peoples expectations of her. Seeing her mother, friends and peers constant disappointment has pushed her to a point of depression. When Zach, the only person that didn't have any expectations, finds her at her lowest point, what will happen? Warning, Cutting, depression. In this story the characters are kind of OOC.
1. Chapter 1

**Hey there guys, so I've decided to upload these as I edit them rather than edit everything and upload it all at once. I don't think this chapter has changed much. But read it again anyway :P **

**I hope you like it, please review and favorite and follow. Thank you too the people that started following even though nothing was up.**

**People who havent seen the notice that was up earlier, my stories are going through major editing and have been taken down. I will slowly be putting them back up again as I go. **

**Enjoy**

I could feel the cold tiles of the floor pressing into my back. I was in one of the many secret passages I had discovered during my time here at Gallagher Academy. Leaning my head on my arm I stared at my wrist, the once pale, smooth skin of my forearm was now stained and covered in ridges because of overlapping scar tissue.

My body ached, just like it always did after I cut. Once the rush had come and gone and the bleeding and stinging had stopped, I just ached.

I allowed my eyes to travel from my scarred forearm to the blood covered blade on the floor. I hated myself for what I had done, I always did. Once I promised myself that I would stop cutting my wrists. And I did. For a little while, but then I started all over again, creating new scars on my stomach, hips and eventually my thighs.

Of course I made sure that my clothes always covered my scars and cuts.

Your probably wondering why I do this? I wonder too sometimes. Does cutting really help? Of course not, but it makes me feel better, even if it doesn't, I can't stop. It's an addiction.

To make understanding why I do this a little easier, I'll tell you a story. A story about a girl named Cameron Ann Morgan. My story.

My name is Cameron Ann Morgan, I come from a family of legendary spy's. There's my aunt, she's Abby Morgan, then of course there is her sister and my mother, Rachel Morgan who is also a legend, and then there is my dad, Matthew Morgan. The three of them make up the family I grew up around. They are also the reason I was sent to Gallagher academy. I was sent here to become just like them, just as good as them. That's what people expect.

People expect a lot from me. I don't just mean my friends and family, I mean people I've never even met. They tell me how much I resemble my family in my looks and mannerisms. I could be just like them one day. One day….

It gets worse though. One thing I truly hate, is that my mom does it too. Put a lot of pressure on me, I mean. You probably think this is normal, a mother pressuring her child to do everything to the best of her abilities. But that's not what she does. She wants me to do my best, but too her, _doing_ your best is _being_ the best and sometimes I just can't deliver that.

The thing is, my mom is the head mistress here at Gallagher, so she knows everything, all the time.

Whenever I'm not the best or do something wrong I'll get called into her office, where she'd just look at me, disappointment evident in her eyes. She'd tell me that I've disappointed her and that if my father knew, he would be disappointed too. Then she just tells me to get out of her sight.

I know things aren't going to get better, especially after running away this summer. It embarrassed her. I know it did.

She probably wishes that I hadn't come back, it would have saved the embarrassment if I become another one of their victims. Just like my father.

There was only ever one person who never saw me for my parents, didn't expect me to be a certain way. That was Zach. He only ever expected me to be me. But since I ran away, leaving him behind after he asked me to run away with him, things have been different, tense.

My relationship with Liz, Bex and Macey has changed too. It's been strained. I could see the hatred and disgust in their eyes when they looked at me. I hated myself, and still do, for disappointing them. All of them. And now I've probably lost them forever.

I was pulled from my thoughts as I heard footsteps echoing through the passageway leading to where I was laying.

"Gallagher Girl," His voice rang through the room, bouncing off the walls and assaulting my ears. After not talking to me for months he decides he wants to come fine me, call me Gallagher Girl like he used too?

I was angry but far too tired to cover up the blood and cuts on my legs; at this point I don't even care anymore.

I just stared at the ceiling, imagining what Zach would see when he walked in. A bloody knife on the floor, a few meters away from where I lay staring at the ceiling, dried blood on my legs and on the floor.

He shouldn't have gone looking for me.

ZPOV

Ever since Cammie got back from Switzerland things have been weird between us. I guess I was… Hurt? Yes, hurt. She told me she wouldn't run away with me and then she just ups and leaves! That really pissed me off.

When she did come back, she was different. Broken. She had lost weight, she was almost skeletal, had dyed her hair black and most of it off.

I heard, in a private meeting that I may or may not have been listening in on, that the CoC had captured and tortured for months on end.

After her wounds had healed, I still couldn't face her. My mother had done this too her, changed her forever. It hurt to think that my mother had almost killed the one girl I could actually love.

While Cam was away, I guess I realized that no matter what I did, the CoC would still come after her, but I also realized that if she didn't learn to trust a little more, I, not anyone else, wouldn't be able to help her.

I needed to change how things were. I haven't spoken to her since her return, things had been tense between us.

This thought lead to the brilliant idea that I should go look for her. Have you ever had to find a pavement artist that doesn't want to be found? I knew she wouldn't be in her room as Liz, Macey and Bex were there and they hadn't been getting along lately.

I decided to check the other _obvious _places. Meaning the passages I had found her in before. I didn't think I would find her there, but it was worth a try.

After trying countless other passages there was one, the minute I entered it I knew I was in the right place. The dust patterns were disturbed and the faint scent of her honey shampoo wafted though the air.

"Gallagher Girl?" I shouted through the passage, but I didn't get a reply. I hoped she would realize that I wanted things to go back to the way they were before by using my nickname for her.

I kept walking until I got to a room. I will never be able to forget what I saw there. I saw Cammie, laying on her side, blood covering her legs and the floor. I could see scars and partially healed cuts.

Her tank top had risen up slightly, revealing the scars on her hips. The scars on her wrists were on full display. A bloodied knife lay a couple of meters away from her.

She lay so still, just staring at the ceiling. For a moment my heart stopped, thinking she was dead. But then, I saw her chest move slightly with her breathing.

"Cammie?" I whispered. Her eyes swiveled towards me. "What do you want Zach?" she asked, her voice sounded tired.

I tried to ask her… I don't really know what I wanted to ask her. What had happened? But that was obvious. Did she do this? Also obvious. Why? I honestly was afraid of the answer. If this was my fault…. I don't think I could forgive myself.

I watched her, trying to formulate some kind of verbal response. I watched as a tear slowly made its way down her cheek. Followed by another and another. I could feel my own eyes glossing over.

Slowly she sat up and pulled her bloody legs up to her chest, hugging them close. Only then did I realize that I had gone closer to her. I fell to my knees by her side, wanting to hug her but to scared of hurting her.

When I finally spoke she just looked at me sadly before turning away again.

"Why?"

**:D review, follow and favorite**

**xx Sam **


	2. Chapter 2

"Why?"

The whispered word echoed through the small room. One word with so many different meanings.

Why do you do it?

Why did you start?

Why do you keep it up?

Why don't you stop?

Why didn't you tell anyone?

Why didn't you tell _me_?

Not knowing what answer he wanted, and not wanting to give any, I shrugged. Tears were still falling down the planes of my face. Out of the corner of my eye I could see that he was also crying and more than anything I wanted to cup his damp cheek and tell him….

I'm not sure what I would tell him. How could I help him if I couldn't even help myself?

It made me feel so… helpless, I wanted to pull the knife out all over again.

"This only started recently," I started, my voice cracking. I couldn't look at him, but I could feel his eyes on me, searching my face and eyes. "It's all just become too much."

"Ever since I was a little girl people would say 'That girl, she's going to be just like her mother when she grows up' or 'she's going to be just as good as her father, if not better'" I laughed humorlessly, "Of course as a kid I wanted to be just like them, I wanted to be that perfectly lethal combination of Rachel Cameron and Matthew Morgan."

The ever growing confusion was evident on Zach's face, so I quickly continued. "As I got older though, I didn't want to become just like them, I wanted to be my own person. I wanted to be able to go on a mission and have people know that I completed that mission. Cammie Morgan completed that mission. But instead as I got more experience and grew to be more like my parents I stopped being Cammie Morgan, I became The-New-Rachel-And/Or-Matthew-Morgan. It wasn't me, but at the time it didn't matter, those people didn't matter."

I could see that he was starting to understand, see where this was going.

"I still had my friends and my family and they still saw me, Cammie, not The-Morgan-Offspring." I couldn't help but let out a snort at that.

"Slowly though, the occasional comment about my parents would slip into the conversation, I ignored it, they still saw me for me, right? But then, when my dad…died, it all just got so much worse. My mother wanted me to be just like him, replace him. Be a carbon copy. Whenever I'm not, she can't even look at me, I'm just such a disappointment to her."

I'm surprised that Zach could even still hear me, my voice was only just above a whisper now.

"The emotional pain just built up and up and up, I couldn't handle it anymore. I needed an escape, a distraction from reality. The pain of … doing this, it distracts me and for just a second I feel just that tiny bit better. But then the adrenalin rush is over and I want to die all over again, so I keep going."

He had come closer to me and carefully wrapped his arm around me, as if he didn't want to hurt me, too late for that now, but then again, it's not like he ever cared. I took a deep breath and with the strongest voice I could muster I voiced the one though that had plagued the back of my mind since this whole thing started.

"There was only one person who didn't see them when they looked at me, and you abandoned me when I needed you most."

ZPOV

"… and you abandoned me when I needed you most." She looked me dead in the eye, her voice not wavering once.

I wanted to tell her that no I had not abandoned her, but I had. I had left her when she was at her worst because I was too selfish to stay, too selfish to help her. We all did. We saw her weak and broken and didn't do a thing about it, because we didn't understand, because we wouldn't give her a chance to explain.

I was frozen on my spot on the ground, but my eyes followed her as she slowly got up, her arms and legs trembling with effort, brushing my arm off of her in the process and walked out of the room, grabbing her knife on the way out.

In that moment and for many moment after that, I hated myself. This was all my fault, Cammie was hurting and it was all my fault, because I felt left behind. Because I had been selfish.

I don't know how long I sat in that room, staring at the blood on the floor and smelling her honey scented shampoo, those last words playing in my head over and over and over again.

'You abandoned me when I needed you most.'

Since that day in the hidden room, I haven't seen Cammie. There was an ache in my chest that would not let up and every time I heard her name, it got worse. I hadn't slept in 6 days and I was starting to lose steam. When Bex asked me if I was okay, more like asked me what the hell was wrong with me, I just shrugged. I couldn't tell her, or Macey or Liz. They loved Cammie like a sister, even if that didn't show now. I didn't want them feeling even a fraction of the kind of pain I was feeling right now… I just couldn't do that to them.

As I walked towards the girls, who were all sitting around and eating, I heard Liz say, "You don't think this has to do with Cammie do you?" immediately I stopped and hid myself from their sight, still watching them in mirror-like surface of the wall across from them.

"I don't know," Macey replied, "Ever since Zach started acting weird, I haven't seen her, not even in classes or the halls." They both looked at Bex, waiting for her to add her two cents to the conversation.

She pursed her lips before replying in an irritated tone, "Whatever is wrong with Zach, is Cammie's fault, this whole situation is her fault. She's probably done something, been selfish, just like she always is." Her eyes were cold, glaring at the two other girls. After this, conversation between them stopped altogether.

I walked passed their table, not even glancing at them. I didn't want to sit with them and undergo another interrogation about what was up, I didn't even want to look at them after what I just heard. Suddenly Tina's face clouded my vision, normally I would avoid her and her constant flirting, but I had been so distracted by what had just happened with Liz, Macey and Bex that I hadn't seen her until it was too late.

I sighed, "What do you want Tina?" I asked tiredly.

"I heard about Cammie." She said quietly, not in a way as not to be heard, but in a way that made her seem almost sad.

I gave her a confused look, what did she know about Cam?

"I heard that you haven't been doing so well since she disappeared. I know you've been down since after what happened in Switzerland and I just wanted to tell you that I'm sorry. I hope that you can get through to her, help her."

With that final statement she gave me a small, sad smile before turning on her heals and going back to her table with Mick and Eva.

At first I was surprised, I didn't ever, not in a million years, expect something like that from Tina, but then I remembered something Cammie told me once,

'All the girls here are like sisters, no matter what they look like or where you're from, and in this school they are the only family they have.'

**What's this? The mythical author Sam has updated? I think the world must be about to end cause this never happens. And yes just so you know I do have a bunch of excuses lined up for you, so here it goes: **

**1. I had no wifi for 3 weeks**

**2. Year 12 is a lot more work than Year 11 was and I had no time**

**3. my laptop broke, like the software malfunctioned**

**4. a majestic unicorn came and took me to over the rainbow where I defeated the wicked witch of the west and got some really nice shoes**

**But seriously though all of the above are true, except for the last one obviously. Anyway, I finally updated and hope to be able to again soon. **

**I made Tina the good guy in this chapter because, in so many FF's they make Tina the bad guy and well, I get that she's bitchy but she is one of them (the Gallagher Girls) all the same and I think that sometimes people over look that. **

**If you struggle with self harm and/or just need someone to talk to feel free to message me, just because I'm not uploading doesnt mean I'm not online of FF. **

**You can overcome self harm, I did. And while I still struggle sometimes, I feel that it makes me stronger to be able to look back and think that I was able to stop.**

**Please review, favorite and follow. **

**Thank you to anyone who does :) **


	3. Chapter 3

CPOV

I'm going to end it tonight. I've been preparing myself for this for almost a week now, waiting for the perfect time. Having Zach see me like that, and having to talk to him made me realize that I don't want to do this anymore. Every time I even think about having to struggle through one more day surrounded by people that hate me for being so selfish, I can't help but burst into tears.

The thing about being around people that only cared about me when I was The-Morgan-Offspring is that it made me realize they didn't care about me when I was Cammie. No, it's not that they didn't care about me, it's just that they hated me, and having people around that hate you, tends to make you hate yourself.

I can't live with myself anymore and tonight is the perfect night to stop. My dad died today all those years ago, and even if they don't commemorate me when they commemorate dad, I can pretend they thought of me, just a little.

I had it all planned out, no one would be able to stop me if they couldn't find me. I know the room where Zach found me the other day wasn't the right one to use, but that didn't matter. I found a new place, one I didn't even know about until now.

I had gathered together the few things I would need, a small light-weight step ladder and a rope that would hold.

I wonder if they'll notice I'm gone, if they'll ever find me. They won't find me for a while, I don't think. Eventually though, the stench of a decomposing body is hard to ignore.

I'm in the attic, I guess you could call it that. It's the perfect place, it has beams strong enough to hold me up when I kick over the step ladder.

So far all I had done to prepare for tonight was shower and change, I might as well wear what I will be buried in, save them the trouble.

Should I write letters explaining why to my friends and family, if I could even call them that. If I did write them these letters, I wonder if they would read them. I guess it's worth a try…

_Dear Friends and Family,_

_Even though you probably have long stopped considering me your friend of family member, I still do. I'm really sorry if you're the one who found me, you probably hate me even more for that than you already do. I'd just like to say that I'm sorry. Sorry for disappointing you. Sorry for being selfish. Sorry for not being what you wanted me to be. _

_I love all of you, _

_Cammie _

I folded the letter and placed it under the leg of the step ladder and climbed up. Now all I had to do was tie the rope up, put the noose over my head and then I would finally be free. I would miss them, I guess. If you can miss people after you die, I mean. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared. I am, I'm terrified.

I've tied the rope to one of the beams, I've even checked to make sure that neither would break under my weight. I tied a noose in the other end of the rope and put the loop over my head. My heart my beating so loud that it blocked out all noise around me. I closed my eyes for what I hoped would be the last time. I took a deep breath and started to count down.

10…

9…

8…

7…

6…

5…

4…

3…

2…

1…

**THE END!**

**I'm just kidding, but I do need you guys to do me a huge favor for the next chapter. I want to know what you guys want to have happen in the next chapter. There will be a few options:**

**1. Cammie does die and you just want an Epilogue of everyone's reactions etc.**

**2. Zach finds her and saves her**

**3. Zach finds her and can't save her**

**4. Bex finds her and saves her**

**5. Bex finds her and can't save her**

**6. Rachel finds her and saves her**

**7. Rachel finds her and can't save her**

**8. Other suggestions**

**Except for 8 All these options will be put up in a poll. **

**To answer either PM me your answer, comment it or answer the poll.**

**Thank you for reading, please review, follow and favorite :)**

**Thanks for to anyone that does. **


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